Dear potential employer,
I am writing to apply for the post of Bla as advertised in the Bla.
I have no wish to apply for this job. I have no wish to apply for any job really. What I would like is for a job to drop in my lap. I base my comments on the not unreasonable assertion that I am talented, motivated, intelligent and I still have all my faculties. In short, I would be an asset to any company that saw it fit to take me on. Unfortunately, not only are companies unaware of my existence, I am not doing an awful lot to transform that situation. I am bored and frustrated with applications processes in general. I simply cannot be bothered to go through the rigmarole of filling out forms. What I would really like is to have some kind of Personal Work Consultant who can provide me with a list of hand-picked jobs that suit my talents and career requirements, who could then assist me with tailoring my cv and covering letter to the job, so that I’m guaranteed and interview. Then all it takes is for me to dazzle the panel with my talent and wit, get immediate offers of employment, and bob’s your uncle. No more wasting my time applying for positions (like this one) which I don’t even want in the first place. But, I hear you say, of course you’ll get an interview, if you’re as talented as you say you are. I’m not so sure. I think not, partly based on past experience (not a single interview so far), partly because I think I have too much experience and qualifications in all the wrong places, at all the wrong times. Maybe I need to actually go to an agency; start knocking on doors; doing some salesmanship; setting up Me Plc. But where do I start?
I have been avoiding applying in earnest for jobs for about a week now. How much longer can I hang on? I have some dole cash coming in which allows me to go out, have a reasonable time, buy Christmas presents for my friends and family, pay for travel around London and up to Suffolk to see my mate for new year’s. The only problem is, I have no career, and in this day and age, you might as well have elephantitis. I mean look at me: I’m (only just) 29 years’ old with no job, no girlfriend and I’m living with my [word omitted] parents. Hardly a mind-blowing success, I’m sure you’ll admit. The dilemma I’m facing is simple really. How do I break this cycle? I have yet to get a single interview. This is appalling. Surely I’m capable of more than this. I’m demoralised and bored. I’m jealous of my sister who is currently out in Australia living the high life. She’s just shot a TV series for god’s sake. When do I start getting a slice of the action, a piece of the pie, a crumb from the table of clichés? I’m not asking for much; just a meagre salary – enough to rent a flat, pay for a couple of drinks on the weekend, and maybe a return flight to Berlin twice a year. I’d like to meet a girl, take her out and feel like I can pay for more than her hors d’oeuvre. That doesn’t sound like too much to ask.
Does it?
