Strange how it creeps up on you, isn't it? One minute you're indulging yourself, your relatives and your waistline; then before you know it, it's new years' resolutions time. Having never resolved
anything, I thought it might be time to make a few of my own. The problem is, I am a man of few vices. I used to be a regular smoker, but two days' hospital aged seventeen with a stern warning from a sterner doctor - 'Would you like to die at forty?' - soon put paid to any lingering nicotine leanings. As for drinking, well I simply couldn't give that up. I'm certainly not budding AA material, and quite frankly I'm rather content not filling in the memory blanks from this years' staff party.

More exercise? Again, I draw a blank. One of the benefits (apart from the dole) of unemployment are regular trips to the local pool, which only costs 70p. 70p! I defy anyone to find a cheaper municipal service in the developed world where you get to show off your pecs.

What about good deeds? Surely there's plenty of world out there in need of a good saving. No doubt. But, even there, I'm ahead of the game. It's only 4th January (or January 4, as my co-blogger Mo would have it) and already I have applied for work as a charity fundraiser. Not to mention the time I spent helping a dear friend prepare for her medical school entrance exam. Bizarrely, candidates must write essays on such topics as beauty, crime and taxes. Now I'm no medic, but I find it hard to imagine the usefulness of quoting Plato when diagnosing ulcerative colitis.

So there you have it. I'm stumped. Unresolved. There's only one way out I can think of, and it's not entirely risk-free. I have decided to enlist the help of my co-blogger Mo for a few resolution suggestions. With his intimate knowledge of my person, he's sure to be able to identify parts of my psyche just crying out for self improvement.

Ready when you are, Mo. Viva la Resolucion!

Dear potential employer,

I am writing to apply for the post of Bla as advertised in the Bla.

I have no wish to apply for this job. I have no wish to apply for any job really. What I would like is for a job to drop in my lap. I base my comments on the not unreasonable assertion that I am talented, motivated, intelligent and I still have all my faculties. In short, I would be an asset to any company that saw it fit to take me on. Unfortunately, not only are companies unaware of my existence, I am not doing an awful lot to transform that situation. I am bored and frustrated with applications processes in general. I simply cannot be bothered to go through the rigmarole of filling out forms. What I would really like is to have some kind of Personal Work Consultant who can provide me with a list of hand-picked jobs that suit my talents and career requirements, who could then assist me with tailoring my cv and covering letter to the job, so that I’m guaranteed and interview. Then all it takes is for me to dazzle the panel with my talent and wit, get immediate offers of employment, and bob’s your uncle. No more wasting my time applying for positions (like this one) which I don’t even want in the first place. But, I hear you say, of course you’ll get an interview, if you’re as talented as you say you are. I’m not so sure. I think not, partly based on past experience (not a single interview so far), partly because I think I have too much experience and qualifications in all the wrong places, at all the wrong times. Maybe I need to actually go to an agency; start knocking on doors; doing some salesmanship; setting up Me Plc. But where do I start?

I have been avoiding applying in earnest for jobs for about a week now. How much longer can I hang on? I have some dole cash coming in which allows me to go out, have a reasonable time, buy Christmas presents for my friends and family, pay for travel around London and up to Suffolk to see my mate for new year’s. The only problem is, I have no career, and in this day and age, you might as well have elephantitis. I mean look at me: I’m (only just) 29 years’ old with no job, no girlfriend and I’m living with my [word omitted] parents. Hardly a mind-blowing success, I’m sure you’ll admit. The dilemma I’m facing is simple really. How do I break this cycle? I have yet to get a single interview. This is appalling. Surely I’m capable of more than this. I’m demoralised and bored. I’m jealous of my sister who is currently out in Australia living the high life. She’s just shot a TV series for god’s sake. When do I start getting a slice of the action, a piece of the pie, a crumb from the table of clichés? I’m not asking for much; just a meagre salary – enough to rent a flat, pay for a couple of drinks on the weekend, and maybe a return flight to Berlin twice a year. I’d like to meet a girl, take her out and feel like I can pay for more than her hors d’oeuvre. That doesn’t sound like too much to ask.

Does it?